Dear Readers, this opening act and forthcoming second and third acts come amidst actual controversy and tragedy. Everything is, depressingly enough, quoted from actual conversations that I had with Sears' pathologically incompetent customer service and their knuckle-dragging, sharp-as-tacks ambassadors to my home: Sears Home Delivery personnel.
The Tragical History of
LG and SubZero
Fridges of Mosinski
![](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_H1Glldy4UO8/SDuyyjXwUWI/AAAAAAAAAEM/zKrF_4R8YMM/s320/fridge.gif)
For never was a story of more wo
Than this of Jennifer and her SubZero.
Act 1
May 19, 2008: 3pm
May 19, 2008: 8:30pm
May 20, 2008: 3:30pm
End Act 1
The Tragical History of
LG and SubZero
Fridges of Mosinski
![](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_H1Glldy4UO8/SDuyyjXwUWI/AAAAAAAAAEM/zKrF_4R8YMM/s320/fridge.gif)
For never was a story of more wo
Than this of Jennifer and her SubZero.
Act 1
May 19, 2008: 3pm
Sears Customer Service: Thank you for calling Sears, how may I help you today?
Jen: I need to schedule the delivery of my new fridge – I am the renter of the property where it’s going to be delivered.
Sears: Do you have the purchaser’s phone number?
Jen: No, I have the address where the fridge is to be delivered. I also have the owner’s name and address.
Sears: Do you have the purchaser’s phone number?
Jen: No. . . . I have the delivery address and the owner’s name and address.
Sears: Do you have a sales receipt number?
Jen: No, I have the delivery address and the owner’s name and address. The purchaser of the fridge called earlier to make sure that it was okay that I call. Can’t you just enter his name?
Sears: That’s not how we look things up here.
Jen: Seriously? Are you sure you can’t just type in the name?
Sears: Yes. I am sure. We need a phone number to look up an order.
Jen: Really?
Sears: Well, let me see. What was the owners name?
Jen: Manish Smith [actual name changed to protect innocent parties]
Sears: Oh, yes, the refrigerator.
Jen: Yes.
Sears: I can’t schedule that delivery now. Someone will call you between six and eight this evening.
Jen: They will call me?
Sears: Yes. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Jen: No.
Sears: Thank you for choosing Sears.
Jen: I need to schedule the delivery of my new fridge – I am the renter of the property where it’s going to be delivered.
Sears: Do you have the purchaser’s phone number?
Jen: No, I have the address where the fridge is to be delivered. I also have the owner’s name and address.
Sears: Do you have the purchaser’s phone number?
Jen: No. . . . I have the delivery address and the owner’s name and address.
Sears: Do you have a sales receipt number?
Jen: No, I have the delivery address and the owner’s name and address. The purchaser of the fridge called earlier to make sure that it was okay that I call. Can’t you just enter his name?
Sears: That’s not how we look things up here.
Jen: Seriously? Are you sure you can’t just type in the name?
Sears: Yes. I am sure. We need a phone number to look up an order.
Jen: Really?
Sears: Well, let me see. What was the owners name?
Jen: Manish Smith [actual name changed to protect innocent parties]
Sears: Oh, yes, the refrigerator.
Jen: Yes.
Sears: I can’t schedule that delivery now. Someone will call you between six and eight this evening.
Jen: They will call me?
Sears: Yes. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Jen: No.
Sears: Thank you for choosing Sears.
May 19, 2008: 8:30pm
Sears: Thank you for calling Sears, how may I help you?
Jen: Yes, I need to schedule delivery of my new refrigerator. I have a sales receipt number, a phone number, a name and delivery address.
Sears: Do you have the phone number?
Jen: Yes, it's (555) SEARSSTINKS [actual number protected to say that Sears stinks]
Sears: I don't see that number in the database.
Jen: I have a sales receipt number.
Sears: I can't look it up by the sales receipt number.
Jen: I have a name and delivery address.
Sears: I can only look up the item by phone number.
Jen: I went through this earlier today. They were able to look up the fridge by the last name.
Sears: No, we can't do that.
Jen: Yes, you can.
Sears: No, we need a phone number.
Jen: I just gave you one, and it didn't work. Can you please look up the name Manish Smith?
Sears: Well. . . (typing). Okay, an LG refrigerator?
Jen: Yes.
Sears: That will be delivered to you tomorrow between 12:45 and 2:45pm.
Jen: Thank you.
Sears: Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Jen: No.
Sears: Thank you for choosing Sears.
Jen: Yes, I need to schedule delivery of my new refrigerator. I have a sales receipt number, a phone number, a name and delivery address.
Sears: Do you have the phone number?
Jen: Yes, it's (555) SEARSSTINKS [actual number protected to say that Sears stinks]
Sears: I don't see that number in the database.
Jen: I have a sales receipt number.
Sears: I can't look it up by the sales receipt number.
Jen: I have a name and delivery address.
Sears: I can only look up the item by phone number.
Jen: I went through this earlier today. They were able to look up the fridge by the last name.
Sears: No, we can't do that.
Jen: Yes, you can.
Sears: No, we need a phone number.
Jen: I just gave you one, and it didn't work. Can you please look up the name Manish Smith?
Sears: Well. . . (typing). Okay, an LG refrigerator?
Jen: Yes.
Sears: That will be delivered to you tomorrow between 12:45 and 2:45pm.
Jen: Thank you.
Sears: Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Jen: No.
Sears: Thank you for choosing Sears.
May 20, 2008: 3:30pm
Sears (this representative was obviously in a foreign land, and female): Thank you for calling Sears, my name is Josh, how may I help you today?
Jen: Hello Josh, I am waiting for some delivery people to come with my fridge, and they are not here. They should have been here like forty-five minutes ago.
Sears: Can you give me the phone number?
Jen: No, I can't. It didn't work yesterday. I will give you the name and delivery address.
Sears: I can't look up the transaction without a phone number.
Jen: Yes, you can. The name is Manish Smith.
Sears: Okay.
typing
Sears: Good news ma'am: your refrigerator is still scheduled to arrive today!
Jen: Of course it is. When will it be here?
Sears: It will be there today!
Jen: Yes, but when?
Sears: Your refrigerator is scheduled to arrive today!
Jen: Anytime between now and the end of the day?
Sears: Yes, ma'am, that's correct!
Jen: Are you going to refund the delivery costs because you are so late?
Sears: I'm sorry, what item are you referring to?
Jen: The LG refrigerator.
Sears: Yes ma'am, it's scheduled to be delivered today.
Jen: Are you going to refund the delivery costs because you are late?
Sears: I'm sorry, you'll have to speak to your sales representative about that. I can only tell you scheduling information. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Jen: No.
Sears: Thank you for choosing Sears.
Jen: Hello Josh, I am waiting for some delivery people to come with my fridge, and they are not here. They should have been here like forty-five minutes ago.
Sears: Can you give me the phone number?
Jen: No, I can't. It didn't work yesterday. I will give you the name and delivery address.
Sears: I can't look up the transaction without a phone number.
Jen: Yes, you can. The name is Manish Smith.
Sears: Okay.
typing
Sears: Good news ma'am: your refrigerator is still scheduled to arrive today!
Jen: Of course it is. When will it be here?
Sears: It will be there today!
Jen: Yes, but when?
Sears: Your refrigerator is scheduled to arrive today!
Jen: Anytime between now and the end of the day?
Sears: Yes, ma'am, that's correct!
Jen: Are you going to refund the delivery costs because you are so late?
Sears: I'm sorry, what item are you referring to?
Jen: The LG refrigerator.
Sears: Yes ma'am, it's scheduled to be delivered today.
Jen: Are you going to refund the delivery costs because you are late?
Sears: I'm sorry, you'll have to speak to your sales representative about that. I can only tell you scheduling information. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Jen: No.
Sears: Thank you for choosing Sears.
End Act 1