Dear Readers, this opening act and forthcoming second and third acts come amidst actual controversy and tragedy. Everything is, depressingly enough, quoted from actual conversations that I had with Sears' pathologically incompetent customer service and their knuckle-dragging, sharp-as-tacks ambassadors to my home: Sears Home Delivery personnel.
The Tragical History of
LG and SubZero
Fridges of Mosinski
For never was a story of more wo
Than this of Jennifer and her SubZero.
Act 1
May 19, 2008: 3pm
May 19, 2008: 8:30pm
May 20, 2008: 3:30pm
End Act 1
The Tragical History of
LG and SubZero
Fridges of Mosinski
For never was a story of more wo
Than this of Jennifer and her SubZero.
Act 1
May 19, 2008: 3pm
Sears Customer Service: Thank you for calling Sears, how may I help you today?
Jen: I need to schedule the delivery of my new fridge – I am the renter of the property where it’s going to be delivered.
Sears: Do you have the purchaser’s phone number?
Jen: No, I have the address where the fridge is to be delivered. I also have the owner’s name and address.
Sears: Do you have the purchaser’s phone number?
Jen: No. . . . I have the delivery address and the owner’s name and address.
Sears: Do you have a sales receipt number?
Jen: No, I have the delivery address and the owner’s name and address. The purchaser of the fridge called earlier to make sure that it was okay that I call. Can’t you just enter his name?
Sears: That’s not how we look things up here.
Jen: Seriously? Are you sure you can’t just type in the name?
Sears: Yes. I am sure. We need a phone number to look up an order.
Jen: Really?
Sears: Well, let me see. What was the owners name?
Jen: Manish Smith [actual name changed to protect innocent parties]
Sears: Oh, yes, the refrigerator.
Jen: Yes.
Sears: I can’t schedule that delivery now. Someone will call you between six and eight this evening.
Jen: They will call me?
Sears: Yes. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Jen: No.
Sears: Thank you for choosing Sears.
Jen: I need to schedule the delivery of my new fridge – I am the renter of the property where it’s going to be delivered.
Sears: Do you have the purchaser’s phone number?
Jen: No, I have the address where the fridge is to be delivered. I also have the owner’s name and address.
Sears: Do you have the purchaser’s phone number?
Jen: No. . . . I have the delivery address and the owner’s name and address.
Sears: Do you have a sales receipt number?
Jen: No, I have the delivery address and the owner’s name and address. The purchaser of the fridge called earlier to make sure that it was okay that I call. Can’t you just enter his name?
Sears: That’s not how we look things up here.
Jen: Seriously? Are you sure you can’t just type in the name?
Sears: Yes. I am sure. We need a phone number to look up an order.
Jen: Really?
Sears: Well, let me see. What was the owners name?
Jen: Manish Smith [actual name changed to protect innocent parties]
Sears: Oh, yes, the refrigerator.
Jen: Yes.
Sears: I can’t schedule that delivery now. Someone will call you between six and eight this evening.
Jen: They will call me?
Sears: Yes. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Jen: No.
Sears: Thank you for choosing Sears.
May 19, 2008: 8:30pm
Sears: Thank you for calling Sears, how may I help you?
Jen: Yes, I need to schedule delivery of my new refrigerator. I have a sales receipt number, a phone number, a name and delivery address.
Sears: Do you have the phone number?
Jen: Yes, it's (555) SEARSSTINKS [actual number protected to say that Sears stinks]
Sears: I don't see that number in the database.
Jen: I have a sales receipt number.
Sears: I can't look it up by the sales receipt number.
Jen: I have a name and delivery address.
Sears: I can only look up the item by phone number.
Jen: I went through this earlier today. They were able to look up the fridge by the last name.
Sears: No, we can't do that.
Jen: Yes, you can.
Sears: No, we need a phone number.
Jen: I just gave you one, and it didn't work. Can you please look up the name Manish Smith?
Sears: Well. . . (typing). Okay, an LG refrigerator?
Jen: Yes.
Sears: That will be delivered to you tomorrow between 12:45 and 2:45pm.
Jen: Thank you.
Sears: Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Jen: No.
Sears: Thank you for choosing Sears.
Jen: Yes, I need to schedule delivery of my new refrigerator. I have a sales receipt number, a phone number, a name and delivery address.
Sears: Do you have the phone number?
Jen: Yes, it's (555) SEARSSTINKS [actual number protected to say that Sears stinks]
Sears: I don't see that number in the database.
Jen: I have a sales receipt number.
Sears: I can't look it up by the sales receipt number.
Jen: I have a name and delivery address.
Sears: I can only look up the item by phone number.
Jen: I went through this earlier today. They were able to look up the fridge by the last name.
Sears: No, we can't do that.
Jen: Yes, you can.
Sears: No, we need a phone number.
Jen: I just gave you one, and it didn't work. Can you please look up the name Manish Smith?
Sears: Well. . . (typing). Okay, an LG refrigerator?
Jen: Yes.
Sears: That will be delivered to you tomorrow between 12:45 and 2:45pm.
Jen: Thank you.
Sears: Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Jen: No.
Sears: Thank you for choosing Sears.
May 20, 2008: 3:30pm
Sears (this representative was obviously in a foreign land, and female): Thank you for calling Sears, my name is Josh, how may I help you today?
Jen: Hello Josh, I am waiting for some delivery people to come with my fridge, and they are not here. They should have been here like forty-five minutes ago.
Sears: Can you give me the phone number?
Jen: No, I can't. It didn't work yesterday. I will give you the name and delivery address.
Sears: I can't look up the transaction without a phone number.
Jen: Yes, you can. The name is Manish Smith.
Sears: Okay.
typing
Sears: Good news ma'am: your refrigerator is still scheduled to arrive today!
Jen: Of course it is. When will it be here?
Sears: It will be there today!
Jen: Yes, but when?
Sears: Your refrigerator is scheduled to arrive today!
Jen: Anytime between now and the end of the day?
Sears: Yes, ma'am, that's correct!
Jen: Are you going to refund the delivery costs because you are so late?
Sears: I'm sorry, what item are you referring to?
Jen: The LG refrigerator.
Sears: Yes ma'am, it's scheduled to be delivered today.
Jen: Are you going to refund the delivery costs because you are late?
Sears: I'm sorry, you'll have to speak to your sales representative about that. I can only tell you scheduling information. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Jen: No.
Sears: Thank you for choosing Sears.
Jen: Hello Josh, I am waiting for some delivery people to come with my fridge, and they are not here. They should have been here like forty-five minutes ago.
Sears: Can you give me the phone number?
Jen: No, I can't. It didn't work yesterday. I will give you the name and delivery address.
Sears: I can't look up the transaction without a phone number.
Jen: Yes, you can. The name is Manish Smith.
Sears: Okay.
typing
Sears: Good news ma'am: your refrigerator is still scheduled to arrive today!
Jen: Of course it is. When will it be here?
Sears: It will be there today!
Jen: Yes, but when?
Sears: Your refrigerator is scheduled to arrive today!
Jen: Anytime between now and the end of the day?
Sears: Yes, ma'am, that's correct!
Jen: Are you going to refund the delivery costs because you are so late?
Sears: I'm sorry, what item are you referring to?
Jen: The LG refrigerator.
Sears: Yes ma'am, it's scheduled to be delivered today.
Jen: Are you going to refund the delivery costs because you are late?
Sears: I'm sorry, you'll have to speak to your sales representative about that. I can only tell you scheduling information. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Jen: No.
Sears: Thank you for choosing Sears.
End Act 1
6 comments:
BLERG! How annoying. I'm excited for acts II and III!
Wow. Remind me to tell you about the time my office was being stalked by a collection agency trying to collect a debbt from a theif who used our phone number. There were easily, like, 12 acts.
I want you to know that from age 16to 18, I worked at Sears teleservice. It's hard work! You have no idea how hard it is to look stuff up. It seriously is hard. I mean, I had to sit there and then act retarded and then make things up and then say, "thank you for choosing Sears" like all the time. You gotta give those guys some credit.
I hate that customer servis bull crab. hey can you tell jules to invite me to be on her blog? love ya so much
I hate to bask in your frustration--and I certainly won't--but it definitely makes for some good midnight reading for the husbandless!
I thought of you when I watched So you think you can dance the other day. Sounds like you moved! I loved our short stint in Seattle (3 months). Good luck with settling and may the people at Sears die at the end of your tragedy.
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